the higher and lower man
May 16, 2008 by elberry
People often ask me, ‘Elberry, what is this “higher man” you talk of, and why must he exterminate the “lower man”? Am I a higher or a lower man? Must I too be exterminated?’
Briefly, the lower man is distinguished by the following traits:
1. A love of football.
2. A need to drink beer and lager.
3. Great interest in reality TV shows, such as Big Brother; this extends to an ambition to appear on such shows.
4. An ability to tolerate loud noises (e.g. traffic, car alarms, shouting, the television, music) without even really noticing them.
5. Supposing that ‘real men’ fight and have sex, and the more a man fights and fucks, the more of a man he is.
6. A very narrow and predictable range of cultural interests: only the most monotonous and bland ‘music’, only the most cliched of films, only the worst of television programmes.
7. A wardrobe of shell suits, baseball caps, other sports gear, or t-shirts and shapeless shorts.
8. An inability to enjoy or even tolerate solitude without considerable distraction, e.g. drugs, television.
9. A preference for ugly, aggressive dogs like pitbulls and Rottweillers.
10. An inability to read anything other than tabloid newspapers, men’s magazines, and adverts.
Here is a typical lower man:
The higher man, by contrast, is distinguished by the following noble traits:
1. An inability to tolerate football.
2. A love of tweed, waistcoats, fob watches, and pipe stove hats.
3. Broad and unpredictable cultural tastes.
4. An instinctive aversion to television, sometimes extending to acts of heroic vandalism.
5. A need for solitude.
6. An ability to derive sustenance from strange and abstruse literature.
7. An appreciation of music that is other than monotonous, aggressive and banal.
8. A fondness for splendid dogs such as dobermanns.
9. A desire to exterminate the lower man.
Here is an example of a higher man:
What about the womenfolk though? Well, since you beg, I have some suggestions.
Lower ladies:
1. Copy their choice of alcoholic drinks from Sex and the City but don’t really enjoy them.
2. Have an array of habits they call their “guilty secrets”. These include jelly snakes, reality shows that involved dancing and the Harry Potter novels.
3. Believe erotic energy is best expressed by screeching, getting completely spasticated and leaning over in synthetic, low-cut, cowl-neck tops.
Higher ladies:
1. Recite Philip Larkin poems from memory.
2. Combine cultural/intellectual accomplishments (can paint in oils, play madrigals, and get a degree in medicine) with nurturing accomplishments (such as cottage gardening and knitting. But not just scarves, also tricky things like sleeves and cable stitch).
3. Possess a gentle but weary pity for men who say things like, “You’re quite funny for a girl.”
Of course, Withnail did have a penchant for pharmacological experimentation. We all have our peccadillos, I suppose. I forgive him. His circumstances were testing.