the Smoking Patrol Officer « The Lumber Room

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the Smoking Patrol Officer

January 16, 2008 by elberry

A fairly typical extract from the ‘Core Team Brief’ for our hospital (or ‘trust’):

Staff are reminded that smoking is only permitted within the hospital grounds where there are designated smoking shelters. We are aware of several ‘unofficial’ areas which are being used by smokers. To tackle this problem the Trust has appointed a Smoking Patrol Officer, who is attached to the Security Department. The Smoking Patrol Offier walks around the central site reminding people of our Smoking Policy and where they are permitted to smoke. On occasion the officer has been treated disrespectully not only from patients and visitors, but from staff members.

Typical both for its bad English and its obtuse pomposity (the quotation marks around ‘unofficial’, the capital letters for the Smoking Patrol Officer). They send this crap out to thousands of NHS staff and can’t even get their English right: “the officer has been treated disrespectfully not only from patients and visitors, but from staff members”. Whoever wrote that appalling drivel should be deported to America, where their kind are not merely tolerated but elected to public office and treated as gods.

i would like to meet the Smoking Patrol Officer one day, and ask him about his lot.

Posted in Temping, raging phallus power | Tagged smoking, NHS bullshit, bad English | 9 Comments

9 Responses to “the Smoking Patrol Officer”

on January 16, 2008 at 11:22 pm1 Neil Forsyth

What’s with the lower case ‘i’?
on January 17, 2008 at 11:38 am2 Peter Burnet

Which of the following best symbolizes the banality of modern times:

A) Dreaming of being the Smoking Patrol Officer?;
B) Dreaming of fooling the Smoking Patrol Officer?; or
C) Dreaming of meeting the Smoking Patrol Officer?
on January 17, 2008 at 12:25 pm3 Jerome Morrow

You could become the Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation Officer, responsible for correctly internal memos and teaching them how to communicate in a more intelligible manner. Or you could behave like a dog and start urinating in various corners around the building. They’d write a memo about you.
on January 17, 2008 at 12:56 pm4 elberry

i did spend most of yesterday afternoon thinking about doing just both those things, Jerome.
on January 17, 2008 at 4:02 pm5 the Smoking Patrol Officer

Part of my duties is preventing people, staff or otherwise, by pissing from various corners around the building, but of, course: corners are’nt around buildings otherwise they wood nut’ be corners’.
on January 17, 2008 at 4:04 pm6 the Smoking Patrol Officer on the Smoking Patrol Officer

Its’ quite funny to see my name in the upper thing.
on January 17, 2008 at 4:04 pm7 the Smoking Patrol Officer the Smoking Patrol Officer on the Smoking Patrol Officer

I cood nut resist.
on January 17, 2008 at 5:59 pm8 Archbold Swann

Humphrey Bogart would kick this smoking patrol officer’s ass.
on January 17, 2008 at 6:11 pm9 elberry

Thank God there are Smoking Patrol Officers out there who take the job seriously.